To my two most precious children- today I am sorry. I am sorry that the most deadly massacre in US history happened in your lifetime. I am sorry that you had to watch me get you ready for school with tears streaming down my face. I am sorry that today I had to tell you about bad guys. That today I took away your innocence.
I am sorry that when we said our prayers tonight we had to pray for Las Vegas instead of your family, your friends and your teachers. I’m sorry that you had to ask me if that bad man was going to come to our house. I’m sorry that you had to go to bed afraid. I’m sorry that I had to explain to you what a gun was. I’m sorry that I had to tell you that if you ever see someone with a gun to run away. I’m sorry that you have to grow up in a world with lock down drills and terms like active shooter.
I’m sorry that I can’t protect you from this.
I’m sorry that I you will never get to experience a country music festival the same way your mama did. That you won’t get to experience life the same way I did. I’m sorry that I grew up without fear and you have to grow up facing it. I’m sorry that I don’t think this shooting will do anything to change things. I’m sorry that this world will care more about whether or not an NFL player stands for the National Anthem than what happens to these victim’s families.
Life is not fair right now. The world is not a good place. Bad things are happening all around us and I’m sorry that my generation and the generations before me have ruined it for you. You deserve better than what we are leaving you. You are innocent and pure and we are taking that away from you piece by piece.
Baby girl. Baby boy. I’m sorry that right now I don’t have a better plan. I’m sorry that I don’t know what to do. I know I want to help. To make a change. To make it better. But right now I don’t want to do anything but hold you. Kiss you. Play with you. Laugh with you. Dance with you. I want to find joy in the darkness. To be the light among despair. I want to choose love. I want to fight hate. I want to do something. Anything. To make this world better for you.
I’m sorry that I don’t have a plan. That I can’t quite figure out where to lead us right now. I’m sorry that things are uncertain and I don’t know what they will look like for you. But I do know you are loved. You are loved more fiercely, more loyally, more completely. And as a family we will all choose love. And we will be good. And do good. And be the helpers. We will be kind. And caring.
And we will keep on smiling and bringing smiles to others and doing our best to be the light shiners.
I love you my two. You are the reason I am here and the reason I will never stop fighting to make life beautiful.